Pulling a Fastone

"Classic eyesore suicide. I've seen it a hundred times" Detective Swash had his hands in his pockets and was shaking his head at the mess before them. "It's the industry's fault really. These poor kids come looking for fame and fortune, and they find alright, but not before it finds them. 

"Suicide?" Junior Detective Fastone wasn't sure he and his superior were looking at the same crime scene. "His eyes been removed from its socket, and been glued to a trophy" Fastone pointed at the academy award that was in the rooms centre. "And his hands were tied before the removal took the place" This time he gestured to the bound remains of Trent Bronko. "Not to mention he was beaten to a pulp"

"I get it kid" Swash put his arm around Fastone's shoulders and squeezed him tight. "First day on the job and you see this. That's rough. My first case was nothing more than a simple repeat jaywalker. The guy couldn't get enough of it. I mean he was sick alright. Walking out into the road like that, not a care for the crossings provided. And the paperwork! Learn from my mistake kid; if you're gonna tase someone, do it where no one can see! Luckily for us" he said patting Fastone on the back and moving away. "No paperwork here. Open. Shut. Finished" he clapped his hands together. "Right, call the corner. Let's get off" 

"I'm sorry, but I have to disagree" Fastone protested. "This isn't a suicide! Nothing about this indicates anything close to a suicide" 

Swash rolled his eyes at Fastone and chuckled quietly. 

"Listen kid, this here is just another sad tale of a superstar running out of head room and deciding to leave the ride early. Happens all the time. Stars are born and then they burn out. Badda bing, badda boo, badda bye"

"Badda bing badda what? Tell me how someone ties their hands behind their back and then removes their eye"

"I can't kid. I certainly couldn't do it, but then I'm not a movie star. There's a reason these people live in houses like this and we don't"

Detective Swash slapped his grumbling belly and grinned. "Mmmm, feels like lunch to me. I'm thinking burritos. Let me guess, you've brought salad again?" He said, rolling his eyes. 

Junior Detective Fastone shook his head. 

"You said you've seen others like it?" 

"Like I said - a tale as old as time"

"But why?"

"Why what?"

"Why would they chose to go out like this?"

"Jheez, I don't know kid"

"It doesn't make sense"

"Tell me what does?" Swash laughed. 

"Tell me about the other cases you've seen like this" 

Swash scratched his head. "Well, there was Judy Mcphee about six months ago, you know, played Lady Devile in that Trentino flick. Then there was Billy Curler, the real life cowboy turned screen prince, the year before. Oh! Ryan Justice! Mabel Comics legend! Yeah he was around the same time as Curler"

"And all these cases were the same? Each one bound like this and their eyes removed?" 

"Oh yeah. Down to the T. Body positioning, trophy location, in fact I think forensics even said it was the same knife used. Well not the same knife, that would be absurd, but the same make"

"And has there ever been a blade found?"

"Ooooh, now that's a good question. You know, I don't think there has been"

"I think we must be on different planets here, Swash. You're telling me you've got at least four different cases that are identical and in each one the blade used to remove the eye, has never been found?" 

Swash shrugged. "Look kid, I'm just the detective, I'm not the clues guy..."

"But that's exactly what you are!"

"That's the problem with you kids these days. You're not listening to your gut. I listen to mine all the time and look how far I've come" 

Fastone could have screamed. 

But he didn't. 

"Look, if you're really concerned about it, I'm pretty sure there's a documentary somewhere about it. Here, I'll find it for you" Swash whipped out his phone and began scrolling through a plethora of videos before finding the one he was looking for. 

"Here. Watch this. I'm going to see what's in the fridge"

Fastone took the phone and hit play. 

A character all resin and sheen took the screen and held their arms in the air. 

"Welcome to HollyBooooooo! The only channel that dives deep into Hollywood mysteries! I'm Lucky and I'm here to show you the truth!" The character held a pout and kicked back a leg. 

"Today, we're going to be exploring the spooky Eyesore suicides that seems to be all the rage with the towns coolest and most promising stars! So sit back, open a soda, and get ready to binge. This, is Suicide Sofa Surfers!"

A cacophony of cheesy intro music inundated Fastone's ear holes and a series of gruesome images flashed across the screen in colourful swipes, before the host reappeared. 

"We're here today outside the home of Billy Curler, where the real life cowboy turned screen prince was found dead in circumstances that chilled me to the bone! 

But in order for us to get to the bottom of his unfortunate passing, we need to unpick why such a star would decide to end things the way he did. 

Billy Curler was one of many stars that had found comfort and faith amongst the towns latest and hottest following - The Big Money Cash Crew. Created and curated by none other than Hip Hop legend Pup Baby, The Big Money Cash Crew is a group of the towns highest earning individuals who are committed to reaching unfound heights of fame and stardom. It is thought that Billy was approached by Pup Baby after his phenomenal performance as The Baron in blockbuster hit, The Baron and The Borg. Curler was estimated to have raked in a whopping $590,000,000 for the role and after a series of conversations with Baby, decided the right thing to do was invest it all into The Big Money Cash Crew. In the months that followed, Curlers involvement with Pup Baby and the Big Money Cash Crew intensified and it is believed that Curler invested the entirety of his wealth into the group shortly before meeting his gruesome end. 

Now, the Big Money Cash Crew is a very tight knit community and as such, details about it's inner workings are difficult to get a hold of, but we do have an exclusive clip from one of our special friends and undercover reporter The Nose"

*A hidden camera on the person known as The Nose, shows a pool party in play. In a gold pair of Y fronts, speaking directly in front of the camera is Pup Baby*

Pup Baby - Yeah baby, it's all cool here. We freaking out baby. You should freak it out too 

The Nose - I'll freak out alright. I'm gonna freak out all over the place. I just...

Pup Baby - What's the matter baby doll. Why you not feelin freaky?

The Nose - I'm just so upset about Curler. He was my favourite and now he's dead. 

Pup Baby - Oh don't be down in them doldrums baby, not when we gonna get freaky

The Nose - I think I'd be able to get freaky if I just knew what happened to him

Pup Baby - He did what he needed to. He went ultimate freak and is now freaking out all over the mothership baby doll 

The Nose - But his money, his life...

*Pup Baby laughs and produces a bottle of baby oil* 

Pup Baby - He made the ultimate sacrifice for the freak off baby doll. Now what do you say you come over here and let me oil you up something freeeeeeeeaky

"Well folks, there we have it. Although the police report says suicide, we here at SSS think otherwise. 

Stay safe out there..."

Fastone closed the video just as Swash was re-entering the room, covered in pastry and jam. 

"Bloody lovely spread in there! I'd make the most of it if I were you before forensics arrive and eat the lot! How'd you get on with that video? Open and shut ain't it. Wham bam, thank you ma'am"

Fastone shook his head and gave Swash his phone back. The man couldn't see for looking. How he had become a detective was beyond him. 

"Yeah, I'm still not convinced, Swash. Curler was clearly stripped off his cash by Pup Baby and..."

Swash squeezed the bridge of his nose and sighed. "You'd give bleedin' aspirin a headache. Do you really think someone as high profile as Pub Baby would risk throwing away his career to kill people?"

"That's exactly what I'm saying!"

Swash made a horrendous amount of groaning and stamped his feet. 

"No no no no. You're getting it all backwards. Pup Baby's already rich. Why would he need more money?" 

Fastone looked at his partner and contemplated the career path he was on. 

"On second thoughts" he said, internally sighing. "I think I am ready for lunch"